Heart Murmur

I’m all out of words and sick of trying to tell you to love me

My heart skipped a beat, it breaks and falls and scratches inside of me

If you bleed it’s not my fault

You’ve cried enough to let me know

You don’t love me

My pulses are weak; I’m struggling, trying to tell you to love me

Veins running dry, they beat and pulse and squeeze the life out of me

If I scream it’s not your fault

You’ve cried enough to let me know

You don’t love me

Let it fail and tell you to leave

You’re cramping my style; you’re too close to breathe

When it stops I’ll let you have my heart

But you don’t love me

Lyrics.

Signing out,

~Nattoons

________________

"It's a bird, no a plane, no wait, it's a low flying bus!"

-Sam Olsson

These Titles Never Have Anything To Do With The Content

So, in about a week and a half is our family christams. Yes, a bit early I know, but when your step mother has near ten siblings, who are married with kids, you get together when you can. It's always a big day, and this year it's at our house. At least I'll have a place to hide if the masses of people get too much ^_^.

It's always quite fun though. I'm getting to know my new side of the family fairly well, I hear they ask about how I'm doing and my step mum talks about me and all that, plus I do see them every so often. Having so many people over at the one time is always a harrowing experience, no matter how well I know them. It will be good though.

And speaking of an early christmas, We have been told and reminded often enough that this year we have 'am early christmas present'. Now I'm not quite sure what it is, but its this coming sunday because 'that's when it it's on'. Hmm. My sister is hoping its going to the circus. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

And I cashed my checks in the other day, got two checks for some artwork I sold, one half finished picture of a wire bird (done for school, and they wanted it when I left) for $50, and this one here got me $200.And all it is is grey lead, fine liner and texter on A4. hah.

So now I've got a good 250 bucks in my card to spend on gifts (hopefully wont spend more than 100) and then the rest is for me! whoo! Gotta love how art is pricey. good to be on the production end.

Well, I'm totally bored and so have absolutely nothing else to speak about, so..

Signing out,

~Nattoons.

________________

"In order to have a change of fortune at the last minute

you have to take your fortune to the last minute."

-Death, Theif of Time

System Maintenance

There are three things I can do: let it in, let it out, or push it down.

It seems to be habit by now to just push everything down and hold it there, struggling and suffocating until all that appears is my happy, silly little face, joking the day away and smiling and chatting and friend-ing. And that's not to say its all an act, though a lot of it is, it is me. My personality, myself, is still there, it still shows through, it still comes naturally, but i have to force it to be shown to the world. It's not some 'mask' that people say we wear out and about, hah, there is no such things as masks. Sure, we may act confident when we are truly not, or act happy even though we are torn up because our favourite pet gerbil died, but at the core of every 'mask' we put on is still us. We are still the same, and I am still me, the same person as ever - I'm just near constantly displaying emotions I am not currently feeling. 

It's a little complicated. Basically I pretend to be what I'm not feeling, but I'm still me.

Anyway.

The other option is to let it in. Sure I may do this sometimes, but it never ends up helping. To let it in leads to wallowing, and thats never good. The whole 'woe is me' and 'I just want a cry' is all good when things get overwhelming (and in moderation, no one likes a sook), but when its constantly overwhelming, to let it in would feed something that is hard to close off. I don't cry often, not because I'm a big burly man or anything, but because I just can't most of the time. Or I can, but in the wrong places. When I get frustrated in situations where I'm trying to explain myself and no one seems to understand I find myself tearing up and can't help it, whereas when I have a shit day and everyone ignores me and whatnot, and I definitely feel like crying, it won't come out. Letting it in tend to help with that, but then it's hard to stop and get on with the day.

Option c) - to let it out. The word catharsis comes to mind. The problem with this is when it has been pushed down for so long and so often and automatically, letting it out becomes... well, hard. I end up overreacting to situations or feelings, getting worked up over the slightest of things, and when I actually just let it out it tends to open the floodgates and just comes and comes, feelings from now and from before, everything that's been pushed down. That doesn't end well as you would imagine.

The trick is to find a balance between the three; find the proper times to let it in and let yourself cry, feel the hurt and wallow, but know when to suck it up, push it aside and get on with what needs to be done, and at the same time let it out responsibly, in small doses, and don't let it sit too long. Anger is normal, but it's what goes with that anger that makes it wrong or right. Control is the key to letting it out, and balance is vital to managing it all.

I just need to work on the balance.

Signing out, 

~Nattoons

________________

"Let us celebrate out arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk."

-Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

With Cat-like Grace

Deep in the loneliness, with open wings I can soar above the desolate wastelands,
High above the broken grounds I can choose where I stay, perch where I please.
But without fail I end up in the same emptiness, the solitude of the earth stalks until...
Until I must reach out to the faint images that lurk beyond my vision; that dissipate when I draw near.
Mere mirages torment my mind revealing themselves for only the shortest moment,
But in that moment hope prevails. Hope prevails and dies and is sucked dry within the moment

And again I must fly, fly high and away to the next relentless, desolate wasteland.

--

So bored, just my thoughts on loneliness. Means nothing ^_^

Signing out, 

~Nattoons

________________

"And yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world,

as if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged."

-Death, Hogfather

I Never Understood The Difference Between Pancakes And Flapjacks

This week I have reignited a fire within me, something I used to have such passion for and that took up so much of my time and creative abilities, and somewhere along the line I just... forgot about.

I used to create games.

I have such fond memories of me and my older brother playing with our lego, designing characters, coming up with concepts for whole worlds, quests, levelling-up and stat systems, and then playing these games on our bedroom floor, anything from MMO style, to RPG to Tactical RTS, even choose your way RPG drawn down on paper. And then there was the designs of weapons, game mechanics, worlds and whatnot that we put so much effort into yet the game never got past idea-and-a-half stage.

But looking at getting into a uni course for animation and games design, I have decided to pick that up again, to look back into the game design thing. It started a while back when a friend of mine, Dan, and I thought up the concept for a moon exploration/FPS game that we could collaborate on once we had the skills from uni, and we started drawing up plans for weapons and characters and so on. This past week I've been adding to that, and started using Notepad on my pc (awesome simple little application, love the mono-spacing font, helps with ASCII pictures ^_^) to write out the concepts, mechanics and designs for the game. 

After watching a really good episode of Stargate Atlantis where they found a RTS game in the city, which turned out to be controlling real life people on another planet, I thought about giving the old medieval RTS games my brother and I used to play with eacother on paper and start designing the concept for a game that mixed up all the best qualities of the tons of games we came up with. And I'm quite proud and surprised to see I've written a good 3,500 words on it in just over two days.

I need to start drawing too, get back into the graphic design phase of it that I used to love so much.

Today I even got out my old MegaBlocks Dragons set and set up a little Final Fantasy: Tactics Advanced style game to play. *sigh* I miss being young and carefree enough to have so much joy in doing those things. I'm working on getting that back, but I need to get past the 'nothing seems to be enjoyable' and 'I just don't want to do anything' feelings.

I'll get there.

Signing out,

~Nattoons

________________

"Just because something needs to be told, doesn't always mean it needs to be heard."

-Kevin, How I Met Your Mother